I suspect that this deductive reasoning is why my nutritionist hates me.
Fortunately, I have a plan for days like this. While at my neighborhood Target a few days ago, I decided to purchase a few workout DVDs to supplement my gym routine in case I don't make it to the gym or want an extra boost. I was hoping for one of those dancing ones that teach you cool hip hop moves, as I have been dying to learn how to New Jack Swing a la Salt n' Pepa in the "Push It" video. I settle for a Dancing With the Stars Samba Cardio Burn and the Billy Blanks' Ultimate Taebo Experience.
The next day I decide that I am ready for all Mr. Blanks has to offer. I pop in the DVD, move the coffee table, and close the blinds to spare my neighbors the view of my gelatinous self gyrating around my living room. Five minutes into the video, I have not started the workout as I am completely intrigued by one of the back-up Taebo-ers who is a dead ringer for Scott Baio. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. From Happy Days, then Charles in Charge to Scott Baio is 86 and Desperate and the much-acclaimed follow up, Scott Baio is 86 and found an Egg Donor. I snap out of writing his career's epitaph in my head and start trying to keep up with Billy.
For those of you who were once like me and terribly unfamiliar with what Taebo is, please follow my master explanation from the 15-minutes I spent with this DVD. Basically, it is a constant-movement, full-body workout made up of a mix of shadow boxing, aerobics, hopping, and turning. Beginners beware, it is much more challenging than it sounds. Billy has me working up a sweat to his 8-counts, doing side punching bag circles, uppercuts, jabs, all while sidestepping and turning. I am keeping up, grunting, punching away at air, avoiding stepping on my dog Boris who decided he too was tired of a life of obesity and kept stepping RIGHT IN MY WAY!!! Billy and his spandex clad mafia featuring Sam's Choice Scott Baio are throwing out helpful hints, telling me to keep my arms up, turn my hips, bend at the waist, and keep those feet moving. Then Billy throws me for a complete loop, shouting out "Double Time!" Now, what we were taking 8-counts to do are being completed in a 4-count time frame. Eek! I am struggling to keep up, Boris gives up and goes outside to bark at the neighbors. Left, left, left, turn right, jab jab. Good now, right, right, right, turn left, jab jab. Uppercut, uppercut, uppercut, upperc...BAM!
I wake up a few minutes later face down on my carpet, confused as to why I am in my gym clothes with a head ache while this maniacal man in green spandex and Scott Baio are yelling at me from my TV. Oh right, I was doing Taebo. And I completely just gave myself an uppercut straight to the middle of my forehead and knocked my own self out. Smooth.
So Billy Blanks certainly did provide me the Ultimate Taebo Experience. I am proud that I unknowingly found a new way to get out of a workout, (self-inflicted head wound with a Taebo uppercut.) However, this is not over for me and I will challenge Billy Blanks again...
...because I paid $14.99 for this DVD and Target would not take it back despite my complaints it was hazardous to my health.