Speaking of my neighbors, I am just going to put it out there that they are awesome. We could not have gotten any luckier with our neighbors. Particularly after the folks we dealt with in Japan, who included, "Play loud-ass rap music at 11 p.m. on a Tuesday night" Neighbor, "Filipinos who cook food that makes the whole complex smell like burning, rotten garbage while they look at our hound dog as a tasty morsel" Neighbor, and "NON-Stop terrible Karaoke Singing because we are running a bar girl training camp" Neighbor. After dealing with those folks, I am truly grateful to have the good taste in music, non-dog eating variety of neighbors.
One of my neighbors is in the Marine Corps and shall henceforth be known as "The Gunny." If you know anything about the Marines, you know this says a lot. The Gunny is an incredibly fit and active person and generously volunteered to take me to the gym to show me how to properly use a lot of the machines, new exercises, and a new routine to break things up. I am not one to turn down free training as I have been getting my knowledge from following another gym patron and her trainer around on the different equipment, and to be perfectly honest with you, I suspect that they are on to the fact that I am pirating the info and plan to put a stop to it soon. So I was quite jazzed that The Gunny was going to provide me with information without having to feel like a cheap schmuck who does not want to pay for a trainer.
I was very excited about my upcoming gym visit, but as the week progressed, I started to get more nervous. The first sign that this might not go as planned was that neighbor Jen, my Tuesday/Thursday gym buddy, said there was no way in hell she'd participate in this. The same day my husband said, "Cari, are you sure you want to work out with a Marine? That's all they do. You might not survive." A few days later I caught him making sure my beneficiaries and will are current. Finally, on Saturday morning while we were waiting to go to the gym, neighbor Josh came out and flat out told me I was brave. And nuts. I was already feeling woozy from the two bottles of Zin I had the night before, and all these warning signs made me want to run like hell. However, I never had my chance as at that moment The Gunny & his wife came out and we were off to the gym for 1.5 hours...
...It's been more than a day since my workout with The Gunny and all I can say is "OW!!!!" Pain, pain everywhere!! And I don't think he was even that hard on me. We started off with a warm-up on the Elliptical, no problem for me. But then we advanced to this awful hell machine. It's a slope, and you place your feet in these slides and sort of do lunges up and down the machine. The Gunny said we were only going to do 5 minutes on Hell Machine, so I figured it would not be too terrible. Sweet Jesus, I was so wrong. After two minutes, I was literally sweating out a combination of wine and bacon grease, at 3.5 minutes I could feel my fat-laden heart getting ready to burst open. Finally, we hit five minutes, then I had to do a 2-minute cool-down. I thought death was imminent. Especially since those 2 minutes actually took 4 minutes as the machine kept Pausing because I was going so slow. But I made it, and it was off to weight training.
The Gunny took me through a circuit of machines and showed me how to do weight training while still making it a cardio-workout. I give him a lot of credit because when demonstrating the machines, he made the 40-pounds seem like a struggle to help me simulate how it would be for my flabby muscles, when it was probably like lifting Q-tips for him. I survived the circuit, then it was on to the Medicine Ball.
When in my life did I get so uncoordinated? The Gunny demonstrated these exercises and made them seem so simple, such as turning at the waist with the medicine ball. However, when I tried it, his face was obviously pained at how wrong I was. He provided good advice on how to stay in proper form, such as keeping the ball close and elbows in. I found that pretending the ball was a succulent ham made it easier for me to keep it in my death grip. After what seemed like an eternity, our time was done since The Gunny had to get back for the NFL draft. Thank God for that, because I seriously think my muscles were going to rip at the seams.
My relief was brief. I found out this morning that there are muscles all over my body! Because they hurt tremendously due to lack of use for years. I had no idea there were muscles in my sides and hips and lower back. But every single step, turn and blink reminds me. On the bright side though, it was not nearly as scary as I thought it would be. I had visuals of The Gunny screaming at me a la R.Lee Emery in Fully Metal Jacket, "Are you quitting on me? Well, are you Private Neiderman? Then quit, you slimy walrus-looking piece of shit!" But there was none of that, and he was actually quite patient and encouraging to me.
The downside to my time with The Gunny, other than the obvious agony I am in today, is that I've realized I really need to step it up at the gym and will have to revisit Hell Machine again. For now though, I am going to try not to focus on what other pain-inducing exercises The Gunny has up his sleeve and go take a bath in Ben-Gay.