Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Here, Piggy Piggy

I am going to go out on a limb here and make an assumption: You have heard of the H1N1 flu, street name-Swine Flu. Unless you have been living off in a far distant cave with poor 3G coverage (what the hell is 3G coverage anyway) you have probably heard of all the awfulness of the swine flu, how to avoid it, how to get a vaccine and you may even know someone who has had it.

I know I have been hearing all sorts of things about the Swine Flu, except the one piece of advice I so desperately want: How Can I Catch the Swine Flu? Yes, you've read that correctly, I want the Swine Flu.

Before you start prattling off statistics and tell me about how people are dying and being quarantined because of the Swine Flu, which I now officially dub the Bacon Bug, give me a chance to explain.

I have lost 49 pounds. And only 49 pounds. I have been hovering at that blasted 50-pound mark for entirely too long, I get close, hitting 49.5 on the scale, then see that number dance on up the scale, putting my loss at 47 pounds. It's getting ridiculous and something needs to happen. I've considered shaving my head to get over that threshold, but realized it is an exercise in futility as hair grows back. I've also considered starting a one-week diet of Metamucil, prune juice and baked beans, but I fear my entire digestive track will up and leave out of protest, which now that I think about it, doesn't sound half bad because that small intestine has to be a few pounds on its own.

But I digress. I realize I have lost 49 pounds the honest way of working out and eating healthy (and yes, 1 cup of raw cookie dough during class is healthy), but I cannot get over that huge mental road block of 50 pounds doing it the honest way. I refuse to use diet pills or Jenny Craig or any other gimmicky diet.

So I want to catch the Bacon Bug. I figure it's an avant-garde way of going about dropping weight. From what the good people on NPR tell me, those afflicted with the Bacon Bug are just expelling stuff like crazy and have no appetite. Perfect for a Fat Girl like me trying to get over the hump. Once I am at a solid 55 pounds lost, because of course there will be some rehydration weight gain that I need to account for, I will go see the doctor to rid myself of the Bacon Bug. To me it is fool proof.

Except, it seems everyone in North America is catching the Bacon Bug but me. I've tried everything. I am still practicing very solid hand sanitation methods, because I go to school in a kitchen and spend a lot of time in my own, but past that basic rule of humankind, I am doing everything I can, and failing. I have been tolerating children's presence, dealing with pregnant women and trying to spend more time interacting with old people, and not a one of those high-risk individuals had what is needed to afflict me with the Bacon Bug. I am pretty sure NPR is lying about those folks being covered in Bacon Bug, because they sure are not passing anything along to me.

Sadly, I have come to accept that I may be unsuccessful in my mission to get Bacon Bug, despite my best attempts. I have never had the flu in my adult life, and never had a flu vaccine, so perhaps I have a good immune system. Although I am contemplating getting the Bacon Bug vaccine, even though I do not support vaccines (Build an immune system, People!) I heard that there is small amounts of Bacon Bug in the flu mist, and perhaps that will put me over the edge. At this point though, I am waiting until December and am on holiday break, because my school will quarantine me if I get Bacon Bug.

However, I have been trying to execute a mean-time plan to get me past that hump until Bacon Bug catches me. Be forewarned- this is quite disgusting. You will not look at me the same. If you cannot handle that and my confession, then close the page now and check out the very poorly redesigned homepage at CNN.com and send them nasty feedback as I do every day, in my downtime of scheming of how I can get Bacon Bug.

Anyway, I have been making attempts to get a tapeworm. And I am failing. From what my intensive research has shown (read: Wikipedia), tape worms are very effective at stealing all of your bodies and nutrients, allowing the Host, or Hostess as my tapeworm will have to call me, to consume whatever they want and still lose weight. Sounds perfect! I get to help Mother Nature by providing a warm, stable environment for one of God's creatures (Just ignore the fact I am an Agnostic, it's irrelevant in the tapeworm argument,) and get over that 50-pound mark. This is an ideal situation for everyone involved, ie Me and Tapey, as I shall call him. The fly in the ointment is that my stomach seems to be an inhospitable environment as no tapeworms have set up camp. I've tried to increase my consumption of undercooked beef and pork, but apparently since my blood has a proof content, it kills off anything trying to set up camp inside me. Which upsets me, because I like to imagine Tapey getting all cozy in me, like to Mucus family from the Mucinex commercials. Tapey will eat all of my calories for me, allowing me to reach my goals and he will be warm in my cushiony confines. But it just doesn't seem to want to happen, and I am thinking of giving up this plan entirely after I told my husband about it and he made me look at actual pictures of tapeworms in an attempt to dissuade me (Note: You think that man got those National Service Medals from his military work? No, no my friends, he earned those for the many man hours he puts into talking me out of my hair-brained schemes.) The pictures showed me that tapeworms are nothing like the friendly, smiling Tapey of my mind and heart.

So, it looks like I am back to the old-fashioned method. Again. Hopefully it will get me over that 50-pound mark I so very desperately want to conquer. If not, who knows what measures I will take.

However, know that if I go missing, you will likely find me rolling around pig pens in Mexico. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

6 comments:

  1. LOL!! I laughed the entire time and it helped but a happy end to my pretty much shitty day!! Ill send you a box of bacon bug :)

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  2. I'm emailing this to my DH! Thanks for the uplifting read!

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  3. All you did was make me hungry. haha.

    Everytime you said "bacon bug" the sizzles began in my mind.

    I'm glad Will showed you the real Tapey too.

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  4. Hey babes. I am a "fat girl" too. I actually got the Nasal Mist for H1n1, and I got my baby the same nasal mist.

    I know you do not know me, and it is not my place to judge... but erm, wanting to catch the "Bacon Bug" just for the sake of losing weight is lame and self harmful. Come on now girlie. I've lost 40 lbs watching what I eat, and working my ass off every single frikkin day at the gym. Do you want to be sick and possibly die just to lose weight, or would you rather be healthy, happy, able to have fun, and enjoy life? Don't wish for an awful illness. Love yourself as you are, and keep working hard. You WILL succeed! Just don't wish harm on yourself. You have to learn to love your body.

    Take care. <3

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  5. i laughed the whole time i read this cari, love it. but don't get sick! you can do it all on your own....;-) love ya.

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  6. Just to clarify, the blog on Catching Bacon Bug to lose weight was Satire. Thanks for your concern though!

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