Wednesday, September 22, 2010

What Have I Got Myself Into? Or Why Having a Military Drill Instructor for a Husband is Not Always Fun.

As evident by my utter lack of writing on here, I have become very complacent with my weight loss and healthy living. I went from being very calorie conscious to a calorie trash compactor, from working out 5 days a week to walking my dog 5 times a month. I was in dire need of a jump start to get back on track. For months I have been talking about how I was going to do a half marathon "in the Spring," stating it in the same tone as I might say, "I will vote Republican when the GOP actually puts up a viable candidate." Things that sound good in theory but we all know Cari would never actually execute.

Well, while it remains unlikely that I will be voting for the Elephant party anytime soon, due of course to their terrible candidates and philandering with the whole Tea Party shenanigans, it does in fact appear that I will be doing a half marathon in the Spring. It's only Spring in the technical sense, it is actually 12 June 2011. In 263 days, not that I am counting down with terror anything.

Obviously, the most important thing to do is start preparing and training. Lao-tzu once said, "The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step." While I am only interested in the 13.1 mile journey right now, I decided to take that important first step...to the NorthShore New Balance store to pick up some snappy new running shoes. They watched me run, measured me, and offered a 30-day return if they aren't the best shoes I've ever owned. Well, $160, a new pair of shoes and 4 new pair of socks I had accomplished that single step. Next thing I did in my half marathon training was actually register for the race and e-mail all of my runner friends to tell them about my new project. When registering, I had to submit what my mile pace is. I am clueless, I have never timed myself when out trotting around the neighborhood, so naturally the next step was to go out and purchase a Timex Ironman watch that can keep a history of my splits. Note: Can someone explain to me what a split is? I'm only using the watch for the Stop/Start function and to play the alarm to scare Boris.

I figure at this point I am pretty much ready to begin my training. I have new shoes, new socks, and a neat watch that is smarter than me. So I set out to run and realize about 15 minutes into my trot that being registered to run a half marathon does not actually make one physically able to complete the task. I finish my 3.5 miles in a mix of walk/run/trot and go home...and make the terrible mistake of telling Will about my new project to get my life back on track.

For those unaware, my husband is in the military and is a boot camp drill instructor. Do you have any idea how a drill instructor's face lights up in a grin of malice and excitement when his obese (but not morbidly! Yah!) wife complains about not knowing how to get into the best shape. I cannot remember the last time I saw him smile so brightly. I thought that it was because he was happy for me trying to stay healthy, but my hindsight has shown me he merely discovered his opportunity to inflict a lot of pain and revenge on me for every bullshit move I've ever pulled.

Knowing how much my husband runs, I told him I wanted his help and assistance in getting to my goals and actually completing this race. He starts off on this litany of doing 20 8 counts of flutter kicks, crunches, monkey *#&#*#S, push ups and 60-minute sustained runs. I tuned him out, as I frequently do, and requested the Cliffnotes version of his plan. His response, "Cari, we are going to turn that keg into a 6-pack over the next 8 months."

I will just give you a moment to allow that to sink in.

I just finished day-3 of my training with Will, where he is starting me "easy" and just having me do 20 crunches, 20 push ups and 20 4-counts of flutter kicks every hour I am home, plus my daily run. However, he has been taking notes and making charts, striking fear that this can only get worse. I am having visions of our marriage turning from the Dictatorship of Cari featuring Boris where Will only has a voice when he causes social disruptions to a Gunnery Sergeant Hartman and Private Gomer Pyle-esque relationship a la Full Metal Jacket style.

I can feel every muscle in my body aching right now. Will just gave me a 10 minute warning that we have mild PT (Physical Training for you civilian folks) coming up. I do not think I can even fully grasp what exactly I have gotten myself into with this.

However, I have 10 minutes to train and prepare for this race my way, so I am going to start my half marathon playlist.

Will can prepare me his way. And I will prepare myself my way....starting off with a little Kayne...