Thursday, July 28, 2011

Dear Future Cari,

Dear Future Cari,

Consider changing your password to something you have to write down to remember, then hide it somewhere that Current Cari will not think of.  Perhaps this will prevent you from blogging while tipsy, because You, Ma'am, are no Ernest Hemingway.

XOXO
Your friend,
Current Cari

P.S. And after you hide your password, why don't you hide yo kids, hide yo wife, and hide yo husband too!

P.P.S. Run and tell that! Homeboy!

Dear Sir in my parking lot

Dear Sir Peeing in the Parking Lot Directly outside my Balcony,

Are you aware that it is 11 a.m. on a Wednesday morning?  Are you aware that you are in the parking lot of a dentist office and not on the blue line?

Next time, I suggest you try the alley that is 30 feet to your right.  And perhaps lay off the 40 of Cobra before noon in the middle of the week.  While I am not opposed to your daytime indulgence, perhaps cutting back would have saved you the 45 minutes it took you to find your way out of the parking lot you meandered into.

XOXO
Your Friend,
Cari

Dear Sir at the 7-11

Dear Sir working the night shift at my neighborhood 7-11,

For shame on you sir, for shame.  Tonight I stop by your oasis in the storm to indulge in my beloved Nacho Bowl after enjoying one or two too many nips of the potion.  I was full of anticipation and excitement because my nacho bowl comforts me when I come home and tends to me through out the night, ensuring I awake free of the headache and discomfort that comes with one too many swigs of the hooch.

Tonight, my hopes and dreams were dashed.  Would it really be too much to ask that the heavenly, liquid orange mass that comes out with a press of the button be served hot?  Or at least luke warm?  Imagine my disappointment when I arrived home, opened up my bounty expecting a hot container bursting with convenience store fiesta goodness and felt a cold container.  Cold? Really?  Sure, I could go ahead and microwave it, but microwaving does not work in the same manner as the hot cheese from your dispenser. The dispenser cheese's heat helps makes the nacho bowl chips soggy with cheesey goodness, allowing me to eat them with a fork, rather than my hands.  Tonight, however, I was able to hold up every chip without it falling limp, victim to cheese and transfatty oils.

Shame on you, Sir.

XOXO
Your friend,
Cari

P.S. Your chips were stale too.

P.P.S. As much as I love your traditional flavor, would it kill you to come out with a "Baseball Game Nacho Cheese" flavor for these summer months? A girl likes a little variety.

P.P.P.S- Your frozen coke Slurpee was, in fact, too syrupy. As an industry professional as well as a Black Belt in Frozen Coke Kwan Do, I can tell the right syrup consistency to ice ratio from 60 feet away with one eye shut.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Late Night Red Line-She's Bringing Sexy Back

If you are ever in the Chicago area, on a tight budget and in need of some entertainment, then hop on the CTA Red line. It never leaves one disappointed.  I suspect that it is the best of the lines due to the fact that it runs from the northern edge of Chicago down through the loop to the south side.  As anyone who resides in the Windy City knows, there's a wide range of demographics and individuals who fall into the North side/Loopers/South Side geographic range.  The character base is heightened to even more interesting levels due to the fact that it is a 24-hour line, meaning that those who are residentially challenged, out for late night binges, feeling the need to preach about Jesus at 3 a.m., or beg for money to feed their pregnant wives who are chugging mountain dew and eating Hostess snack goods can cruise the red line at any time of day.  It's a colorful cast of characters, that's for sure.  Due to the late hours that come with my profession, I frequently encounter these individuals on my commute home.

It should be noted that the Blue line is also a 24-hour line as it provides services to O'hare Airport- where optimistic hopes of flying with ease go to die.  However, I will not be writing of the blue line as 1. I do not live off of it and 2. I once saw a pile of feces under  a seat on one of the rare occasions I rode the blue line.  Having to be 6 feet away from a fresh pile of human poop of unknown origins is enough to make me deal with the buses or eat ramen noodles so I can afford a cab.  Really, who shits on the L?

Anyway, the other day I was going into work and saw a fashion choice that rendered me completely speechless. Note: this was not late night at all, but rather 4 in the afternoon. I'm just calling it late night red line for consistency's sake.  Plus, Mid-afternoon Red Line just does not have any punch. Back to things, I am on the train, bebopping to some Gaga on my headphones and reading Breakfast of Champions (the book, not a box of Wheaties. Despite my fat girl status, I can handle a 20 minute commute in without shoveling food into my face. Most days.) and I notice a woman out of the corner of my eye.  I don't use headphones and keep a strong sense of situational awareness on my late night rides, but in the mid afternoon, I relax and enjoy the time to space out on my book.  I try not to look her way as I have found it best to avoid eye contact of any sorts on the train lest risk someone begging for loose change/job/crack/your soul, but something was amiss. So I finally glance up and am momentarily stunned by what my eyes meet.  Seated adjacent to me was a very "plump" woman wearing a teddy.

Actually, it was more like a baby doll teddy, but it was still a flipping teddy! As in a piece of lingerie best used in the privacy of one's own home. A teddy, as in blue satin-black lace trim on the bust and bottom-peek a boo cut outs on the side-OH MY GOD DID I JUST SEE YOUR SNATCH?!?- teddy! What. The. F***!

I tried to avert my eyes, mostly because I knew my face was completely revealing my shock/awe/embarrassment. I pulled my Vonnegut closer to my face and kept sneaking glances to the side. Her demeanor was what surprised me.  She sat quietly, pocket book on her lap (Thankfully, because I was not in the mood to get a crotch shot), seemingly unaware of the fact she was wearing a negligee or that it was garnering a number of responses from those around her.  In different attire, she could have been going to work just like I was.  Or perhaps she was going to work, and just does not feel the need to be discreet about it.

I truly wanted to applaud her confidence in herself to wear what she wants, because as a fellow larger framed lady, I know it can be daunting to show off a little skin.  So kudos to her for saying to hell with what society and/or decency laws might dictate about what is appropriate attire. 

Next time, however, I hope she remembers to wear the skivvies that typically come with lingerie, because I am adding vagina to the list with human poop of things I never want to see on an L car.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Guess Who's Back? Back Again?

Cari's back. Tell a friend.

Okay, I mean it this time.  I am getting back to blogging.  The Follies are going to undergo a bit of an overhaul.  Rather than just write strictly about my adventures with weight loss and trying to live  a healthier life, I am just making this a blog that has to do with all aspects of my life. 

My absence from the blogosphere has garnered a few complaints from all five of my loyal readers, but I have legit reasons.  I am going through a period of transition in my life, and I tend to shut down when transitioning.  The primary reasons that I did not update Follies was because there were no follies to write of.  I have not: sang aloud to Aerosmith on an elliptical machine, had my dog randomly hump another person's dog that was in heat, knocked myself out cold while following along to Billy Blanks, fallen down the stairs doing the Sprinkler celebrating a weight loss milestone, or tried to grow a tapeworm in my GI tract. I've successfully kept more than 50 pounds off for almost two years now and have reached a plateau.  Quite frankly, if I do not have anything worth writing, than I would just prefer not to blog.

However, those who stalk me on facebook frequently point out that I do have some musings that could be basis for a post.  My encounters with the "Residentially Challenged" of Chicago, experiences on the late night Red Line, my general rules for life, and just the things that only seem to happen to Cari. So, as I sally forth on a new chapter in my life, I decided I would start to share my experiences again.

Welcome back to the Follies of a Fat Girl.