The Moment I've always feared has arrived.
I've dreaded this moment. I've denied that it will ever happen. I've skated around accepting it as my reality for longer than is reasonable. I've just always assumed that it was not ever going to happen, just as a viable presidential candidate who supports women's reproductive rights, embraces gay marriages, did not deploy troops unless absolutely required and was fiscally conservative while still supporting welfare will never happen. It was a unicorn, my white whale... A unicorn that mated with that white whale and stabbed me straight in the arse tonight.
My biggest fear has become reality. I am finally able to admit.
I am an adult.
Holy crap. I am an adult. And I realized it fully tonight after having a few doubles of Jack & Diet, and a few more pints of Sam Adams Oktoberfest (I floated the keg, I rule!) I was out with a few girls from my former place of employment (tears) and we were heading to our respective homesteads. The Boilermaker (pretty sure you can figure out by now how she acquired that nickname) said she wanted to go out some more. It was pushing 2 a.m. and I have 12 hours before reporting to work. This typically translates into a solid 2-4 more hours of fun (read: Boozing) for the fat girl. So I said, "There's a great 4 a.m. bar right by my house, let's go." Then I took two more steps and said,
"Forget that, that was the drunk talking."
Did Cari really just say those words? And mean them? Yes, yes she did, and in that moment, I crossed that finish line that I've been trying to dodge for the past decade and owned up to adulthood. I believe I followed it up with, "Holy shit, Did I just say that?" I did. Dear Lord, I just became an adult.
My adulthood did not come from having an IRA and a 401K. It did not come from earning two college degrees. It did not come from moving to Asia for a few years and establishing myself as the youngest manager worldwide with a Fortune 500. No, my realization of being an adult came from a walk in the rain with two wonderful women when, for once, my common sense vetoed my sense of constant fun.
Now that my biggest fear has been realized, I am being flooded with so many other questions and fears. I am an adult now, does that mean that I have to start wearing actual pajamas? Will these pajamas have to match, and will they be as comfortable as my skivvies/gym shorts/camisoles/nothing that I typically wake up in? Do I need to start a high-fiber regimen? Will I lose that special magic that has made my life so remarkable, that sprinkling of fairy dust that has made my experiences so extraordinarily charmed, causing those around me to say, "Only Cari"...?
And what do I do about drinking...right now I love gin, red wine and quality beer. Is it high time I start ordering Manhattans, Seven & 7s, swapping Wild Turkey for Black Velvet and actually study the wine list as opposed to going with the Second-to-Cheapest Cabernet??? Note: Going for the cheapest one offered= amateur. And it JUST occurred to me that I do not know how to knit and/or crochet an afghan. How in the world can I enter female adulthood without knowing this valuable life skill??!
Oh God, why isn't there an instruction manual for this. Just one too many drinks on a rainy night and I've been thrust into a reality I am not ready for (I should have seen the writing on the wall, no way would have semi-Adult Cari passed on a late night bar after a mere 5-7 drinks.)
But nonetheless, it's happened. And now it's 3 a.m., meaning I should have been in bed 8 hours ago or should be waking up in 2 to go catch an early bird/low cholesterol breakfast special. I suspect I will be spending the next few hours in bed shaking with fear over what is going to happen to me now that I am finally an adult.
Either that, or I will be scouring the TV Guide to find out when I can catch a rerun of Matlock.